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Articles by
Tom Ellison
Tom Ellison lives in the Washington, DC area where he writes humor, arguably. You can find more of his work here.
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April 24, 2023Your Spoon Will Be Ready to Use After This Software Update
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March 3, 2023I’ve Optimized My Health to Make My Life as Long and Unpleasant as Possible
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February 20, 2023It’s Me, Teddy Roosevelt, and by “Man In the Arena” I Didn’t Mean You, Spencer
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January 26, 2023Peaches the Instagram Dachshund Wants a Cut
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January 9, 2023I Just Want to Start Lifting Weights Without Getting Red-Pilled
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January 26, 2022A Scathing Review of Your Thirties: The Video Game
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September 3, 2020Encounters from Dungeons and Dragons: 2020 Edition
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May 29, 2020Standing Agenda: Family Video Chats, May 2020 to Infinity
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April 25, 2019You Have Failed Our Dog Adoption Vetting, But Have You Considered Having a Child Instead?
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January 30, 2019I Am a Stryker-X Assault Backpack, and This Airport Lounge Is an Insult
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May 25, 2023A Day in the Life of a Woke Third-Grade Teacher, as Imagined by a Far-Right Politician
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March 19, 2018I’m Going to Close This Deal Using Business Words I’ve Heard Men Yell in Airports
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May 25, 2023I’m Your Mom Playing a Video Game, and I Will Turn This Avatar Right Around If You Don’t Watch Your Tone of Voice
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May 26, 2023When to Turn Your AC on in New England: A Decision Guide
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June 9, 2023Would You Like to Set Google Chrome as Your Default Browser, or Would You Prefer Centuries of Untold Pain and Torment?
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June 9, 2023HELP PROVE I’M INNOCENT BY SENDING ME MONEY IMMEDIATELY
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June 8, 2023Notes on Your Screenplay from a Nihilist
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June 8, 2023Carrie Bradshaw Reflects on the Smoke from the Canadian Wildfires