We are the couple who got married in the gingerbread house from “Hansel and Gretel,” and we would like to say how deeply and unreservedly sorry we are. We admit to being confused when so many were angered by our decision to spend the happiest day of our lives inside a giant confectionary wonder that is also the site of a mass infanticide, and we were dismayed to have to pause our honeymoon when we saw that our wedding hashtag, #HaveYourCakeAndSayIDo, was trending for all the wrong reasons. But the last forty-eight hours have taught us a lot, and we are ready to own up to our mistake.
Those who know us know that we do not condone the imprisonment, force-feeding, or ritualistic cannibalism of Germany’s indigent children. However, by hosting our wedding at the famous edible building that also once served as a child-eating witch’s sinister lair, we made a regrettable error in judgment. We let our desire for a storybook wedding get too literal, and in doing so, we overlooked the painful history of the gingerbread house and its original purpose, to lure hungry children out of the forest and into the mouth of a ravenous witch.
We now realize it is impossible to separate the quirky and Instagrammable charm of a house made of desserts from its dark and violent fairy tale origins, and we appreciate those of you who pointed out that if we wanted our wedding to take place at a saccharine child trap in a far off land we should have just gotten married at Disney Word.
In hindsight, we are greatly embarrassed that our table settings were arranged in the toddler-sized cauldrons provided by the venue, and that our first dance took place on a graham-cracker stage that was partially reinforced by the gnawed-upon bones of Bavaria’s excess kids. We regret that we read our vows underneath a pergola that was once used to cage brave Hansel and from where he stuck a chicken bone through to deceive the nearsighted witch. We also now understand our decision to sprinkle a trail of breadcrumbs down the aisle was made in extremely poor taste.
We messed up, and we are ready to atone, do the work, and let the healing begin. We want to thank those of you who recommended we read the works of the Brothers Grimm, even though we know it is not your responsibility to educate us. Most of all, we want to express our sincerest apology to Hansel and Gretel, and we understand why you blocked us on Twitter.
We feel terrible for the pain we caused, and we are going to use this opportunity to become better people, right after we resume our honeymoon. Don’t worry, we did our homework this time: we are staying at a luxury resort that was once one of Britain’s most celebrated chocolate factories. Now that we are on the path to forgiveness, we will be able to take a romantic tour of the facilities, enjoy a private gobstopper tasting, and be treated to a one-of-a-kind musical performance by former factory staff, featuring a song written especially for us.