JERRY SEINFELD: This is a 1995 Land Rover Defender, and everything about it says adventure. Which is perfect, because today I’m getting coffee with Agamemnon, King of the Achaeans. (INTO PHONE) Agamemnon? It’s Jerry. You ready? I’m taking you to pancakes at one of the best diners in New Jersey.
AGAMEMNON: Yes, and I hope the so-called pancakes spur my return home to Argos from this Tri-State area. For here are you, holding your cars and all of your success—which I do not begrudge you—and yet, the handsome only hold the graves they won in Troy, and that is all. I won’t bear this weight of loss for long, Jerry. I can feel what awaits me in Argos, and it is my mortal end.
JERRY: What is it about guys like us getting coffee? I feel like that’s ninety percent of what we do. We work for one hour a night, and for the other twenty-three hours we’re killing time.
AGAMEMNON: You may be killing time. But in war, the first casualty is truth. And I don’t know what you’re saying about time to be true.
JERRY: Today I’m driving the car you drove in the eighties if you had really arrived. This is a 1982 BMW 325 Sedan in Baltic Metallic Blue, and it’s a classic. Just like my guest today. (INTO PHONE) Aeschylus? I thought you might want some coffee. I have a perfect place in mind—you’re going to love it.
AESCHYLUS: I fear your ardent pursuit of pleasure, Jerry. It is suffering that brings wisdom, not comfort. Trouble, not coffee, with its memories of pain, drips in our hearts as we try to sleep. So men like me, against their will, learn to practice moderation in matters of pleasure and drink.
JERRY: Do you ever wonder what would’ve happened to guys like you and me if we hadn’t made it?
AESCHYLUS: I suppose we would have died. But it would be better to die once and for all than to suffer pain for all one’s life spent longing, Jerry.
JERRY: My guest today was just a kid when his father, King Agamemnon, went away to fight the Trojan War. When his dad was killed upon his return to Argos from Troy, my guest avenged his murder by killing his own mother. His mother, I should mention, took a lover while King Agamemnon was away fighting the war. And today is the perfect day to be driving the Lamborghini Asterion—a car named after the King of Crete! My guest knows a thing or two about kings. (INTO PHONE) Hi, Orestes? It’s Jerry. Are you still up for getting coffee and maybe something to eat? I’m in your neighborhood. And if I don’t get some coffee soon I think I’m going to lose my mind.
ORESTES: Oracles such as yourself are persuasive, Jerry, don’t you agree? And even if I am not convinced the rough work of the world is still mine to do, so many yearnings meet and urge me on. I share your yearning for coffee, and I am urged to undertake this journey, however full of sorrow, anger, and poverty I find myself to be.
JERRY: Oh, no. Poverty? This is not good: I don’t have my wallet with me and I was gonna ask if you could buy. I’m serious. I left my wallet at the hotel.
ORESTES: It shall be done, but it is too late to make amends for this harm beyond healing. To be wealthy and rely on me this way is a cowardly grace. I have asked you to be my savior and my ally, for my coming to Los Angeles is a return from exile, Jerry. But I will pay, past poverty’s sting, and we will start this day with coffee, no matter how rotten the work of doing so.
JERRY: Have you ever wanted to leave tragedy and get into comedy? I can’t imagine always being this serious. My wife’s very serious. She would’ve said exactly the same thing if I told her I forgot my wallet.