Hi. Thanks for seeing me. An opportunity to interview for the position of birthday-room hostess/ice attendant/skate guard at this here Blades Ice Arena & Laser Tag Fun Center is exactly what the doctor ordered. I mean that literally. My doctor—not my cocaine dealer, my real doctor (I don’t do that anymore, anyway. Plus, not to namedrop, but my cocaine doctor’s name: Peter Frampton)—said that I should get a low-stress gig. Not that what you have to offer is stress-free—I mean, I know that if you get a Saturday rush of birthday parties, that could be a drag, right? Not a drag. I just mean that I’m sure it’s not all fun and games, even though that’s what Blades is all about. Fun and games. I don’t know if you know this, but I’m Mrs. Fun and Games. I married a man from Marin County in ’77 who legally changed his last name to “Fun and Games” because he was mad at his old man. His old man was the original The Man. You heard me right.
So, can we dive in? I have a few questions. I noticed here that there are many rules. Some of them don’t really seem necessary. Before we get into it, though, let me tell you about my experience. First of all, I was the lead singer of Fleetwood Mac for a very long time. That should qualify me for just about anything. Also, I’m practically fireproof. By that I mean that a) you will not want to fire me, and (b) I am literally fireproof because I’m a witch. Sometimes, anyway.
Oh, hey, I brought something. It’s my crystal ball. I traded Steve Miller a shawl for it. It’s going to tell your future. OK, wait for it… It tells me that you’re going to hire me for the position of birthday-room hostess, ice attendant, and skate guard. It also says that I will get free sodas while working the hot-dog carousel.
I can start on Thursday. I’ve slept with all of the Eagles.
I need to voice just one concern. You can tell me real quick, like ripping off a Band-Aid, but you’re not interviewing Lindsey Buckingham for this position, or he doesn’t already work here or anything, right? I know I wrote the song on Rumours called “I Don’t Want to Know,” but in this case I do want to know. It’s not that I hate Lindsey Buckingham, but, brother, we are going to have a huge problem if I show up and Lindsey Buckingham is here spraying germ sanitizer in all the ice skates or whatever. Mostly, it would just break my heart. Oh, did you know that when I sang “the landslide brought me down” I really meant “Lindsey Buckingham brought me down”?
So when can I start? I want to drive the Zamboni. Can I? I’ll be careful of my long sleeves.