1. When the mega-mansion developer said, “Build,” he willed the entire life of a neighborhood into despair.
2. This despair cannot be understood as referring to anything other than the complete loss or absence of hope, that is, the hope of ever knowing a quiet day again.
3. The preservationist canons were imposed, but only on the height and façade, and the architects, being very clever, found ways around these according to the canons themselves, proposing a “library tower” because it is part of the “Village vernacular, water towers and all.”
4. It is easier for a herd of camels to pass through the eye of a needle than for one man with a library tower of books shelved by color to get into the kingdom of heaven.
5. It takes no less than five years to build a mega-mansion. And wherever two or more are built, others will follow. Therefore, it is certain that the hell of construction noise will be never-ending.
6. For the souls in the vicinity, absolutely no care or recompense is given.
7. This unbridled building of mega-mansions makes it difficult even for lawful, quiet persons to recover their equanimity or answer the shrewd questions of nighttime insomnia.
8. Such as, “Will the ungodly stomping noise of ten tantrum-ing giants begin again before 8 a.m.?”
9. And, “Why does not the owner build a public park for the sake of neighborly love and the dire need of other city souls if he has so much money?”
10. And, “Why are new lampposts and cobblestones required? Why does he not return the parking spaces that were originally there?”
11. And again, “What is that new entrance on the side? Could it be a three-car garage?”
12. To say that the roof garden, planted with full-grown specimen trees, will offset the carbon footprint of the owner is blasphemy.
13. The architects and developers who permit such talk will have to answer for this.
14. Those mega-mansion builders are in error who say that they are absolved from every earthly or heavenly penalty by paying their taxes.
15. They should also have to grant some remission to their city neighbors who suffer the ill effects of their endless constructions, their plagues of dust and noise.
16. Who knows whether all souls in this purgatory wish to be redeemed, but the writers certainly do.
17. Perhaps a small stipend per month of construction, or free coffee in perpetuity. At the very least, rooftop garden access would promote neighborliness and be compared favorably with other acts of charity to commend the builder to heaven.
18. But mega-mansions must be admired with caution, lest people erroneously think that they are in any way preferable to smaller houses.
19. More questions of the night thunder through the tormented souls in proximity.
20. Such as, “Why does not the owner, whose wealth is today greater than the wealth of the richest Midas, build his mega-mansion somewhere else, somewhere with more space and fewer people trying to work from home?”
21. And, “Are those crenellations?”
22. And verily, “Should the space behind that garage door actually house a pantry or a mud room and not one of your Teslas, he who renders a false curb cut for endless deliveries shall not escape judgment!”
23. Away, then, with all those who say, “Peace, Peace!” There is no peace, and certainly not when the landscapers use leaf blowers in the roof gardens.
24. Blessed be all those who guard against the lust and license of the mega-mansion builders. For they have no idea how they would furnish one thousand square feet, let alone forty thousand.
25. And thus, be confident of entering into heaven through many tribulations and lost causes, greater even than those who fight for the bike lanes.