To the Hiring Committee:
My name is Jesus Christ, and I am applying for the posted position of Vice President of Student Success. While I have no particular interest in, knowledge of, or experience with student success, an academic friend emailed me a link to your posting with a note that said, “Hey, Jesus, it looks like these people want someone who can walk on water, hahahahahaha!”
It does appear you are searching for an actual miracle worker, and I can, in fact, walk on water, which I believe renders me a strong candidate for this position. Your stated list of responsibilities includes fantastical paradoxes such as “removing all barriers to admission while significantly increasing retention and graduation rates.” This would strike a lesser administrator as an impossible task, but I love paradoxes.
I am the Son of God and served previously as Vice Creator of Humanity, Strategic Engagement, and Salvation. I also have extensive experience as a carpenter, which will help me to shore up your institution’s crumbling infrastructure. With the COVID pandemic, global warming, and a water crisis looming, I’m due back on Earth for the Second Coming soon anyway. I can easily take up the additional responsibilities of this position.
My résumé, admittedly, is a bit unorthodox. However, I bring certain abilities to the table that you are unlikely to find in other candidates:
- I’m strong in the face of adversity. If I can handle being crucified by the Romans, I can handle being crucified by your Faculty Senate.
- I caught a bunch of fish where there were supposedly no fish. I’ve seen your fall enrollment projections, and your institution would benefit from this particular skill set.
- I’ve turned water into wine, so I should be able to get your faculty to respond to emails.
- I’ve cured people of ailments from fever to leprosy. I can run your sub-par university health center for a fraction of its current budget and flatten your STD rates to zero within my first semester on the job.
- I made seven loaves of bread and a few small fishes feed four thousand people. I will dramatically increase your bottom line by applying the same math to your current course caps. Faculty will be furious and full of demons over this, but I’m exceptionally skilled in casting out demons.
- I raised Lazarus from the dead, so I may have similar luck with many of your faculty, who are also frequently non-responsive for multiple days in a row.
I know that ultimately even I, Jesus Christ, will fail at this gig, because everyone fails at this gig — that’s just how it goes — and then you will have your sacrificial lamb, and I’ll be cast out so that you can conduct another national search for a career administrator who is less credentialed than most of your adjunct faculty. I am not concerned about this, because I’ve been sacrificed before, and I came out on top.
Also, I would be a diversity hire.
Thank you for your consideration, and I hope to hear from you soon.
PS: Do you have donkey parking?