Hello, and welcome to our adult friendship. It can be hard to maintain close friendships upon reaching adulthood, and that’s why we’ve streamlined the process into a simple monthly text. Please respond with “lol” to confirm our friendship.
By confirming this friendship, you are agreeing to participate in one friendship confirmation text per month on a variety of subjects. Any subject is acceptable as long as it does not attempt conversations longer than two texts. Text messages that try to continue beyond “hahaha” or “that’s crazy” may be grounds for termination.
Please confirm the friendship within twenty-four hours. Failure to confirm the friendship within the time limit will result in the other party assuming they did something wrong. Did they do something wrong? Maybe they said something insulting? Should they apologize? What would be the point, though? Because they’re probably not even friends anymore because of whatever they did.
Should questions or concerns arise about the status of your friendship, you should probably just think about it all the time. Reinterpret previous texts as if “Have you seen the show Severance?” really means “I fucking hate you.” Replay events from years ago in your head like it’s the end of A Clockwork Orange. Question the friendship until the idea of friendship loses all meaning. This process is normal and should not be discussed with your adult friend, because that would be super weird.
Unconfirmed adult friendships may qualify for a late renewal if within one week the unconfirmed party responds with “Sorry, didn’t see this.”
Initiating your half of the monthly friendship text is an easy process. Texts should be drafted and reworked for a minimum of one sleepless week. Your text should sum up everything you feel about your friend: that you miss the sound of their voice, the tickle of their breath on your ear, and the safety you feel in their arms—but in a platonic way. After this fifteen-page text has been completed, you should feel emotionally taxed. Delete said text and send a meme.
As the adult friendship continues to blossom, the subject of these texts may start to form a recurring pattern. Does one party have an animal? The pet package involves periodic messages, including a picture of a pet. Please respond with “I’m so jealous you get to come home to that!”
Do you like golf? Because the new hobby package means you’ll be receiving periodic pics of various golf clubs. Please respond with “I’m so jealous you get to come home to that!”
Did somebody just get married? Because with the new partner package, you’ll be getting pics of your friend with their new significant other. Although it may be pretty obvious, please do not respond with “I’d like to have sex with your partner.”
If the highly unusual in-person encounter occurs, both parties agree that “this is fun” and “we should do this more often.” In an attempt to increase these interactions, the parties may suggest starting a project together. This project could be starting a band, training for a high-stakes poker tournament, or the most upsetting suggestion: creating a podcast. However, both parties understand that they will, under no circumstance, actually move forward with the proposed project. Participants purely agree that they “should totally do that” and “yeah, we definitely should.”
Thank you for agreeing to the terms of our adult friendship. While this type of relationship may be different than what you remember from childhood, you’ll get used to it eventually. Just remember: this technically still counts as friendship.