1. You dread going every year.
2. You’re still scarred from the last one.
3. You apply makeup and shave your legs but don’t know why.
4. You wear a flowy too-thin-for-winter top.
5. There’s unflattering lighting, and for some reason, the AC is on.
6. People are definitely staring at your boobs.
7. You wish you were home in bed watching White Lotus.
8. Strangers inquire about your reproductive status.
9. You wish you were on psychedelics.
10. Someone squeezes your boob then apologizes.
11. Someone squeezes your other boob then apologizes.
12. You wish you were younger.
13. You remind yourself this pain is temporary.
14. Toward the end, everyone gathers around a screen to stare at a round mass.
15. Meanwhile, you contemplate your mortality.
16. You breathe deeply in through your nose and out your mouth while counting down from ten.
17. When it’s over, you cheer.
New Year’s Eve Party: 1-17
The CDC recommends regular mammograms. New Year’s Eve parties are optional.