(PATIENT is in bed, mostly unconscious, hooked up to wires leading to monitors that beep and bleep. The bed is flanked by two FAMILY MEMBERS, who wring their hands worriedly. NURSES bustle in and out of the room, tending to the patient.)

NARRATOR: (In voice-over.) Did you know that health-care costs currently consume nearly 15 percent of the average household budget?

(A DOCTOR enters and unfurls a bill that extends all the way to the floor. The FAMILY MEMBERS dig into their pockets and turn them inside out to show that they’re empty.)

NARRATOR: (Voice-over.) If he becomes president, Herman Q. Asscrack has a solution to this issue.

(Audio: Sinister-sounding music. A HERMAN Q. ASSCRACK STAND-IN enters the room, shooing the DOCTOR and FAMILY MEMBERS out and then locking the door.)

NARRATOR: (Voice-over.) His solution …?

(HERMAN Q. ASSCRACK STAND-IN picks up a pillow from the bed.)

NARRATOR: (Voice-over.) … Smothering you to death.

(HERMAN Q. ASSCRACK STAND-IN holds the pillow over the PATIENT’s mouth. PATIENT twitches briefly before going still. HERMAN Q. ASSCRACK STAND-IN rubs his hands together fiendishly and skulks from the room. Cut to: CANDIDATE rushes into hospital room and, with eyes closed, places hands on PATIENT’s chest. PATIENT jerks back to life. CANDIDATE turns to face the camera.)

CANDIDATE: My name is insert your name here, and I approved this message.

(PATIENT sits up in bed, smiles, and shakes CANDIDATE’s hand.)