Dear Chili Pepper,

The semester has ended, and a student has made the choice to click you, a bright red emblem indicating my hotness, while submitting a rating of my teaching abilities to In spite of my disdain for your role in empowering students to participate in the reduction of the abilities of educators to physical appearance, it is important to me that I improve my performance at my institution, so I need to know what you know; what did he like about my look?

This student could not have been supporting this argument based on an observation made between February 3rd and March 22nd, because I didn’t show my ankles until March 29th and I didn’t forget to wear a camisole under my v-neck until April 3rd. I did have blonde highlights when I taught adaptation theory on March 3rd — I even received compliments from several students as they walked out of the lecture early. Was it when I wore a plum lipstick the week of March 13th? I feel it nicely accentuated my use of the phrase “thought process” when giving instructions for an assignment on multiculturalism. Both of these events stand out to me at potential moments of peak hotness.

I know that these assessments are anonymous, but perhaps by process of elimination you might help me identify the individual with which to follow up on my hotness. My roster indicates that Sterling M., Justin D., and Christopher P. were absent for four out of five peer reviews, so it is unlikely that they would have had enough class time to conduct thorough research on a bold lip’s impact on the number of sentences that constitutes a paragraph. However, both James F. and Jeremiah T. are notable contenders, as their classwork grades demonstrate that they were 85% more willing to analyze dramatic plot structure on days I wore glasses. Yet I am most inclined to believe it was Jackson C., whose disclosure of a dream he had in which I was wearing a fancy dress incites me to think that he was attentive to my frame. Do any of these details ring a bell?

Please don’t misunderstand my intentions; I am not retaliating. I have great respect for you and this individual that felt so compelled to click YEAH instead of UM, NO. when reflecting on my hotness. I want nothing more than to excel in this profession.

Molly Collins