Dear ADM Boom,
This notice is being sent to you on behalf of the Board of Directors of the Cherry Tree Lane Neighbourhood Association in regards to reports of frequent noise disturbances and anti-social behaviour coming from your property.
The Board would first like to express its gratitude for your lifetime of service in Her Majesty’s Royal Navy. It is due to this that we were most lenient when you violated Section 2.3.a of the bylaws regarding the building’s external appearance by installing the functioning quarterdeck of a Victorian ironclad battleship on top of your house.
Then there is the small matter of the cannon. The Board would like to earnestly inquire: Why the cannon? Your commitment to punctuality is impressive, but the Board agrees that firing a cannon into Europe’s third densest city at 8 AM and 6 PM each day is incongruous with a man’s right to peace and the public’s right to not be felled by grapefruit-sized munition raining down from the sky. We discussed the possibility that you are simply unaware of the disruption your cannon causes to your neighbours. This benefit of a doubt, however, is hard to give when you routinely yell, “NO ONE SLEEPS THIS MORNING!” prior to the launch of your first daily projectile.
We’d be remiss if we didn’t mention the unpleasant fact of the recent spate of cannon deaths befalling London. Perhaps you’ve seen the newspaper’s call for the apprehension of “The Cannonball Killer?” This citywide carnage comes in addition to neighbourhood reports of crushing accidents caused by sliding pianos and tumbling vases inside homes.
The Board would never be hasty to assume guilt, but we feel it’s only a matter of time before Scotland Yard connects these deaths to your residential warship with roof-mounted artillery. This police attention is most unwanted in the wake of reports of children disappearing through chalk drawings in our local park. For the sake of property values, we cannot have prospective buyers think they will be either impaled by round shot or sucked into another dimension, whimsical there as it may be. We do hope we have your cooperation in handling this matter discreetly.
We can’t help but notice that the twice-daily launches coincided with the arrival of your “first mate,” Mr. Binnacle. Now we don’t claim to be experts in matters of the heart. If pressed, the Board can imagine the erotic thrill of exploring the consensual exchange of power performed within the framework of a hierarchical institution such as the Royal Navy. We believe when history is written the Edwardian British elite will be remembered for their progressive open-mindedness and willingness to embrace those who eschew social norms. Whatever seafaring fantasy goes on behind closed doors is your business. But you’re not behind closed doors. You’re on the roof, hurling five and a half lethal kilos of cast iron directly into the heart of London.
Finally, this brings us to the unfortunate incident on 12 May when a troupe of suspiciously acrobatic chimney sweeps engaged in a rooftop dance competition with a supernatural nanny. According to reports, you screamed an obscure South African racial slur before firing directly into the crowd. We do sympathize with your frustration. When those boys launch into ten agonizing minutes of “Step in Time” it makes the Board want to take a large step in time toward the sweet release of death. Be that as it may, we cannot allow you to commit what meets the definition of domestic terrorism.
By removing the cannon and quarterdeck from your roof, you would assuage the Board’s nagging concern that Cherry Tree Lane might be harbouring two of the most prolific serial murderers in the history of Britain. You have thirty days from the receipt of this notice to correct deficiencies and maintain compliance with the rules, which were recently updated to include a provision regarding nautical-themed acts of terror.
Alfred Dowsett, Chairman
Cherry Tree Lane Neighbourhood Association Board of Directors