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Due to Falling Enrollments, We Will No Longer Offer Courses in Romulan at Starfleet Academy
“We now face a budget shortfall of 45 million bars of gold-pressed latinum this year, and we will need to make some difficult choices as we embark on a new mission: to return the Academy to financial sustainability.” -
I Am a Dainty Little Rings Person Now
“You can expect to see the impact of this on my personality, effective immediately.” -
Thank You for Submitting Your Homeless Shelter Application, but We’ve Decided to Use City Funds for Thirty-Five New Pickleball Courts Instead
“While your proposal to increase the bed availability in your shelter from 80 to 140 by purchasing accessory dwelling units was a surprisingly resourceful plan, the budget and governance committees have identified pickleball as the issue that voters care about most.” -
If Burger King’s Jingle “Whopper Whopper” Were the Only Literary Form
Plummy, plummy, plummy, plummy,
In the icebox, they were yummy,
You shouldn’t have left them there, you dummy
Nom nom nom nom nom nom! -
I’m Your Three-Year-Old Interior Designer and This Is Your New Home Makeover
“I really wanted the living room to come alive, so I reimagined this couch as a precariously balanced cushion fort. Not only does it add visual height to the room, but it’s great for jumping on.”
Trending
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September 22, 2023It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
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September 28, 2023A Template for Right-Wingers Upset with Taylor Swift
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September 15, 2023Son, You’re Old Enough to Know the Truth, There is No Such Thing as the “Invisible Hand of the Market”
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September 22, 2023Welcome to Rosalita’s Boarding House for Girls and Women Rescued by Bruce Springsteen from Dead-End Small Towns
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September 20, 2023New York Times’ Connections, Toddler Edition
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September 18, 2023Who Made This Hummus?
Interviews, Essays, and Excerpts
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October 2, 2023McSweeney’s Books: A Conversation with Dave Eggers About His Book, The Eyes and the Impossible
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September 27, 2023Short Conversations with Poets: Ben Lerner
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September 13, 2023Short Conversations with Poets: Elisa Gonzalez
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September 5, 2023McSweeney’s Books: An Excerpt from Daddy Boy by Emerson Whitney
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August 30, 2023Short Conversations with Poets: Timothy Donnelly
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August 16, 2023Short Conversations with Poets: Jeffrey Yang
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August 2, 2023Short Conversations with Poets: Mary Austin Speaker
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Our first ever horror issue, guest-edited by Brian Evenson. Bring it home this Summer, if you dare. -
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— Cece Bell, author of El Deafo
Recent Posts
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September 29, 2023Job Posting: Lead Bro for Vivek Ramaswamy’s Campaign
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September 28, 2023A Template for Right-Wingers Upset with Taylor Swift
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September 28, 2023Maura Quint’s Presidential Debate Recaps: The One with Reagan’s Ghost
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September 27, 2023The Geriatric Pregnancy Hero’s Journey
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September 27, 2023Just to Confirm, We’re All Still Wearing Shorts Tonight, Right?
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